I haven’t slept properly for about a week. This is because I had an accident.
So, what happened?
Two weeks ago there was a lot of chaos going on for trains in Stockholm. A train had derailed in Stockholms Södra, and this complicated a lot of things for all the non-derailed trains. During Thursday a colleague and I were going home. We were at the commuter train station in Karlberg, just waiting as per usual. For some reason, all trains are passing by in the center, in between the two platforms and unusually close to us humans.
We don’t think any more of it, until a freight train passes by and sounds its horn. Keep in mind that the horn of a freight train is supposed to be heard by other freight trains from a very wide distance, so it produces a sound that feels like a million decibels and has everyone on the platform crouching down in pain. I was standing at what was possibly the worst possible place; I was in the middle of the platform, about three meters from the train, I was 90 degrees from the horn when it sounded and my right ear was facing directly towards it. In other words, as close as one possibly could be.
Now, I’ve had tinnitus since I was about 13 years old. I was reckless while playing drums, and I played without protecting my ears a couple of times. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it is incurable, that I will forever have some ringing in both of my ears, and that I will never again experience total silence. Since then I’ve been protective of my hearing and I’ve done my best to make sure it does not get worse. Little did I know that after all that, an event I could neither predict nor protect myself from would change that forever.
Since the horn, the ringing has intensified by at least the double. Or, at least I think so. It’s hard to remember what it used to sound like, to be honest; I just know that it is a lot worse now. I used to only hear it when I was about to go asleep or when I was reminded of it. Now I hear it all the time and it is louder than the music I listen to and conversations I have. When I go to sleep, I cannot relax and I just lay in bed unable to actually fall asleep. This has even led me to experience sleep paralysis, which is insanely scary because it felt what I imagine a seizure would be like, and I was fully awake and aware during it. That made my trouble falling asleep many times worse instantly.
Last week I was home from work three out of five days, mostly because I slept about one hour every night. While I was awake, every five minutes I switched from being depressed by the fact that this ringing will never go away and I will live like this for the rest of my life, to being adamantly indestructible in the feeling that I would overcome this like the unstoppable motherfucker I am. Those kinds of mood swings are really tiring in normal situations, but when you are already insomniac they are exhausting something that is already exhausted.
On Thursday I called an ear doctor and I got an emergency time Friday morning. He examined me and concluded that, yeah, I had tinnitus. He also told me that increased tinnitus that happens because of sudden trauma such as explosions or fucking train horns will usually slightly fade away after a couple of weeks. Whether that is because the body slightly cures it or because the affected just gets used to it is unknown. Tinnitus is tricky this way, since it is usually subjective.
(As an ironic anecdote, according to the tests I took my hearing is actually better on my right ear - the ear where the ringing is the worst. Go figure.)
Anyway, when he told me that it fades, some of the darkest clouds in me cracked and went away. I went from the itchy uncomfortable insomnia state to just being very very very tired, which was a welcome sign. Since then I’ve been able to sleep a couple of hours per night. I’m not sleeping properly, but I am hopefully getting there. I will probably have a tough couple of months ahead of me, but I’ll get through it and finally I’ll be back where the ringing in my head is only heard when I’m reminded of it.
I am a fairly strong believer in karma, and I cannot for the life of me figure out what horrible acts I did to deserve this out of nowhere. I also still wonder why the freight train sounded its horn. I really hope it was for a good reason, like someone was in danger. Because, whatever the reason was, it has left me with an infernal eternal ringing in my ear, and I would like it if that was not in vain.
I guess I’ll never know. I only know that I will do exactly what my awesome sister did; overcome whatever unfair shit life throws at you and go win at life.
Because that’s what we do best. <3